The Lie Making You Exhausted and Burned Out

Today's episode is our second in the series on how to set Christ like boundaries without guilt.

And it is called the lie that is making you exhausted and burnout.

Years ago, when my children were small, I have seven of them, I did daycare so that I could be a stay at home mom.

And so that meant I usually had, I don't know, two or three, three or four extra kids running around my house besides my 7.

One day there was a lady in our ward in our neighborhood who was moving and she was a hoarder and she needed help.

The thought of helping this lady move was so completely overwhelming for me.

I knew I wouldn't be able to do it when the Relief Society president called me and asked if I can her help her move.

There was several ladies in our ward who were going over to help her.

I said no.

I said I can't because I have my own children plus my dare care kids and I can't leave.

She said oh good.

Well all the ladies who are coming to help me to babysit her so we'll just drop them off at your house while we go help move.

And I was like, OK, and I did not say no.

The reason I did not say no and I allowed that to happen was because I was I was doing something called fog, fear, obligation and guilt.

I was feeling guilty because I wasn't helping this woman move.

And I felt like I should have been.

I felt obligated because I needed to do something to help since I was saying no.

 I also was afraid of what people would think if I said no.

So I went ahead and did it.

Well, the day that all the all those kids were dropped off of my house happened to be the day that my visiting teacher or the lady who ministers and watches out for me was at my home.

And she was there when mom started dropping off their kids.

 I think I got about four kids that were between the ages of one and three, plus my own plus my daycare.

As each child got dropped off, they would cry as their mom left.

So their mom would leave this crying baby and just go to the she would leave.

And all of a sudden I had all these crying children, plus my own children, plus my daycare children and my visiting teacher sitting on the couch.

She looks at the kids and she looks at me and she says, I think it's time for me to leave.

And she got up and walked out.

 I was there all by myself going, Oh, my gosh.

It was a completely overwhelming experience for me.

I think I watched the kids for, I don't know, 2 1/2, three hours.

By the time their moms came and picked them up, I was practically in tears.

I did not have the capacity to do that.

But because I was feeling guilty for saying no to helping move, because I felt obligated to do something and because I was afraid of what other people would think, I said yes.

And I became overwhelmed and burned out.

The lie that keeps us stuck in this overwhelm and burnout is a lie that I'm sure that you can relate to if you dive deep.

It's this idea that our value is based on what we do for other people.

 Its this idea that I want to be a good or righteous person.

And so I give whatever is asked without regards to what my needs are or or if I even have the capacity because that's what good people do.

That's charity, right?

Yeah.

No, it's not.

And that is.

When we do a deep dive study into the scriptures and we look at how the Savior showed up, that's not how he showed up.

He was not afraid to say no.

He took time to rest.

He took time to commute with his commune with his heavenly Father.

And in in doing so, he created the capacity to serve in the ways that he was called to.

There is a law called the law of intention.

I love the laws.

This law of intention basically it's, it's the why of what we do things.

And it's also this incredible, incredible ability to create.

Whatever we create with intention multiplies.

So if my intention in this story was fear, obligation and guilt, I was afraid of what people would think.

And I wanted to be good then that's going to continue to grow.

I'm going to have more fear, more obligation, more guilt, and certainly more resentment.

That's different than if I'm coming from a place of love or I'm serving from what real charity is.

 We'll talk about that.

And that creates more peace in our lives.

So this law of intention is a really powerful way to look at what we're doing so that we can grow and increase our our ability to create the things that we want in our life.

And it's actually in the scriptures.

I love the scriptures.

We're going to start with a story that actually really annoys me and bothers me.

I've always hated this story.

This is the story of Mary and Martha in Lukton.

And Martha is busy.

I'm sure you're familiar with it.

Martha is busy serving.

She's making dinner.

She's doing all of these things.

And her sister's, her sister Mary is sitting at the feet of the Savior.

And Martha looks at the Savior.

She's like, can't you help?

Like my sister isn't doing anything.

Don't you care?

And Jesus says Mary has chosen the good part.

So let's take a minute and look at the intentions behind what is happening.

We know from the verse that the Savior says that Mary is careful and troubled about many things.

That means she's worried.

That means she's feeling over responsible.

She's probably exhausted.

She's probably overwhelmed.

She's noticing what isn't fair.

It's not fair that she's doing all the work and her sister isn't.

She's focused on what needs to be done.

She's coming from a place of pressure, perfection and performance.

Those are hiding behind her intentions because she really wants to be seen.

She really wants to prove that she's valuable.

She really wants to earn love.

Whereas Mary is showing up completely different.

She's coming from a place of being completely present in the moment.

She's connected to the Saviour, she's trusting the Saviour, and she's receiving his love.

Well, that creates A conundrum because somebody still has to do the laundry, somebody still has to do the grocery shopping, somebody still has to make dinner.

So what the heck?

This isn't a story about who's lazy and who's productive.

This is a story about our hearts and where we're coming from.

And there's a beautiful quote by CS Lewis that really helps me a lot in understanding what my motivation is or what my intention is.

This is what he said.

And in another sense, handing everything over to Christ does not, of course, mean that you stop trying to trust Him.

Means, of course, trying to do all that he says.

There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take His advice.

Thus, if you really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you were trying to obey Him, right?

There's still the doing, but trying in a new way, a less worried way.

Not doing things in order to be saved, but because he has already begun to save you.

Not hoping to get to heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of heaven is already inside of you. close quote.

It's this idea of coming from this place of love and not fear.

So when we go to the scriptures, I will there's so much confusion in our lives and in our culture about what charity really is.

We've been taught that charity means that I just give and give or I serve or I sacrifice and it's not what it is.

If we go to the scriptures and we go to Moroni Chapter 7, verses 47 and 48, it says charity is being filled with the pure love of Christ.

So charity is is what's happening inside of us.

It's our heart, it's our intention.

And then from that feeling, that's when we take action.

It may be that we take dinner to the neighbor, maybe we help the hoarder move and maybe that we're taking better care of our families.

It could be a lot of things.

For every one of us that looks different, but it is certainly not fear, obligation or guilt.

Those two things are opposites.

So we need to look at our motivation about why we're serving and, what's happening there because we want to come from a place of charity because remember, intention multiplies.

And so if I'm serving from, from charity, then I'm going to feel even more love.

I'm going to feel more energy, I'm going to feel more excited, I'm going to feel more peace.

That's what we want.

And so I want to share one more story with you.

Just recently, we had a neighbor down the street.

We are responsible for ministering to him.

He's special needs and his caretaker is not a member of our church.

But she was going through cancer and she had chemo.

She needed chemotherapy and her daughter was taking care of her.

And one one day her daughter reached out to me and said we are drowning in this.

Is there any way you could bring dinner once a week?

And all of a sudden I had this feeling of excitement of like, Oh my goodness, there's something I can do to help this family.

I was motivated, I was excited, I felt love.

 I felt like it was an opportunity to serve.

So for the next several months, I took dinner every Monday night.

And that's not to pat me on the back, but I want to illustrate this principle that the motivation of why I was making dinner for this family was so different than why I babysat when I probably should have said no.

So as we look at our intention, one good way to notice what your intention is, here's my invitation for you.

Look at your intention of why you're doing stuff.

And a good way to gauge that intention is the feelings that come up for you when you are ready to serve.

Do you feel anxious?

Do you feel obligated?

Do you feel overwhelmed?

Does it make you a little bit sick inside?

Does it feel like it's too much or do you feel that excitement?

Do you feel loved?

Do you feel like it's an opportunity?

And a question you can ask yourself is if I say yes to this, will I feel peace or will I feel pressure?

The second piece of this, which is so, so important, and it's my second invitation to you, is to receive revelation.

The reality is, is that the situations in our lives, the relationships in our lives are very complex.

And  it's really hard to know when to step in and when to step back.

Only the Lord knows that.

We need to be careful about, about managing our own capacity, but we also need to be careful not to step on someone else's agency.

We need to be sure that we're serving from a place of love, but also from God's will.

What is it that he wants for you to be doing?

What is, what is God's top priority for you?

And, as we commune with the Lord and as we go to him with our questions and receive those answers from him, then we can serve from that place of peace.

So as a repeat, I have two, two invitations.

First, check your, your intention and you know it by the feelings and the questions you ask.

Is this peace or this pressure?

Secondly, get your errand from the Lord, receive that from him, and then you will be able to serve from that place of charity and peace and you will increase in your capacity and ability to serve.

Thank you so much for being here.

I have something extra as a help for you if you are interested more in boundaries and being like Christ

It is called the three Minute Boundary Fix and it's just a short little PDF that gives you some really good tips about setting boundaries and you can find the link to that.

It's free in the show notes.

Thank you so much for being here.

If you have loved this, will you please share it with somebody else?

Have a fabulous day.

 

https://www.juliehawkes.com/3-minute-boundary-fix